The other day I ended up in my old Livejournal. I was looking for the lyrics to a particular song, and ended up drowning in the past instead. First of all, I have a steadfast belief that everything I write is garbage and no one wants to read it. This may be the effects of a lifetime of Major Depressive Disorder, or it may be my own deep-seated fears about inclusion. Either way, it’s all trash in my opinion., Even the things I’ve written that people have told me they loved. Sorry, I don’t. I’m glad you do, but for some reason I am always striving for improvement. Nothing I write is ever finished. Which may be why blogging is so good for me. It’s never really finished.
Take my Livejournal, started October 1st 2001, when I was such a fresh-faced 19-year-old young’un that I was concerned with the French quiz I had coming up that day, and whether or not Kevin (my brother from another mother) and I were going to a party that weekend. How quaint this seems compared to life now, with its concerns like how the rent is going to be paid and what about the bills and oh God let the tires hold out on the car for the rest of winter…not to mention the existential crises such as am I doing what I want with my life and who am I as a person? Oh, I would kill for a French quiz and a weekend party right now.
My writing then was not as good as it is now, despite the fact that I think everything I write is refuse. It was interesting to see those improvements over the years. It should be noted the last post in my journal is from April of 2014. This journal pretty much chronicles my 20s. There’s probably a hell of a book in there. But that would mean I would have to read all the absolute crap I have written over a 13 year time span.
When I started my blogging journey on WordPress, I decided to stray away from things like what I did on the weekend, song lyrics I enjoy, and personality quizzes. My LJ is filled with them. I decided that the blog on WordPress would be the face I presented to the world, while my LJ would serve its purpose as a more personal account of my life. Thing is, I really like when people read my stuff, even if I think it’s rubbish. I found that by posting on a variety of topics I was attaining readers, not just the handful of people that knew about my LJ. That attracted me to WordPress, and is why I stuck with it when I wanted to revamp my blog earlier this year.
Thing is, it’s hard to come up with topics that aren’t personal, and it often seems trite to write about the minutiae of daily life.. Here’s an example. In my old blog, I would have written about my weekend:
On Friday, the kids came over and I went grocery shopping and to the eye doctor. On Saturday, the kids were here, and G came to play with them. On Sunday, the kids went home and Mark had a migraine.
See? Super entertaining. I bet you are thrilled to know that information about my exciting life. Now, I know that life is different now than it was at 20, of course (though I’m married to the guy I was dating at 20, so maybe not all that different,) but I just don’t have the fun nights and wild weekends to write about anymore. I starve for topics. I mean, look! I’m literally blogging about blogging right now!
If I find anything re-postable during my walk down Livejournal lane, I hope to blog it here. Though it’s more likely I’ll just have an emotional few hours laughing and crying at the same time. Because that’s pretty much what your 20s are about.