Stuck.

Monday came and went, and not once did I think to update my blog.  This is because of my old foe, Major Depressive Disorder (MDD.)  It decided to make an appearance yesterday, which left me mostly useless and pretty much frozen in place.  I spent the greater part of the day lying on the couch under a blanket and watching television.  At one point, Hubs came and played my character on Red Dead 2 for me.  I didn’t even have the desire to do it myself, despite it being the best video game I have ever played.  Today wasn’t much better, as I had a fitful sleep and ended up napping for much of the afternoon.  I hate the way depression drains you of everything-joy, energy, feelings of most varieties…it would be depressing if it weren’t already.

I have had MDD since I was a child, so I am pretty good at dealing with it on a daily basis.  Most days I would say my depression is “passable,” in that I can put a smile on my face and carry on with my day like nothing is amiss.  Other times it becomes all-encompassing, and that’s when it is most difficult to live with.  Something circumstantial, say, needing to pay a bill on time, can be nothing to me one day and everything to me the next.  It is this switch from one state to another that often throws me for a loop.  I find it difficult to deal with the problem when I am depressed, which often leads to a whole host of other problems.  I can deal fine on a daily basis, but sometimes, the darkness gets in and there is no light bright enough to banish it.

My depression has been a part of me for so long that I truly do not know what life would be like without it.  I am a natural pessimist because of it, and have never seen the glass as half full.  It speaks in sarcasm and dry wit.  It lurks in my bones, waiting to pounce on my chest and knock the wind out of me.  It is something I have dealt with forever, and no matter how many strides I make, it remains.

Somedays it just gives me a little anxiety.  Some days it shuts me down completely.  Most days I persevere.

I like most days.  Most days I try to find the “happy” in things.  Most days I do what needs to be done despite nagging thoughts in my brain.  Most days I am ok.  Some days I am not.  Some days I cry for no reason, or rage for no reason, or do any number of things “for no reason,” but the reason is always going to be messed-up chemicals in my brain.  Most days my meds do their job and I am a delight.  Other days, not so much.

I don’t know if it’s that I just didn’t realize it was Monday, or that I deeply did not want to sit at the computer, but whatever it was that made me forget yesterday only made me sadder today.  I felt disappointment in myself for blowing my deadline, especially after writing about how I hoped to update more often just last week.  That may be why it’s hard to get out of a depressive episode.  You do things when you’re depressed that make you feel bad later on, and so the cycle continues.

Right now, I’m going to go make a cup of tea and relax a little.  I still don’t feel great, but I’m better than yesterday, and tomorrow is still in front of me.  Every day is a different battle, and I remain a fighter, no matter what.

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