It’s one of those days.
I don’t want to sit here and write. I don’t want to do anything. It’s not like it’s depression, because I’m out of bed and showered and accomplishing all I want to accomplish, I just don’t want to HAVE to do it. I want to get in the car and start driving and end up at a diner in the middle of nowhere with bad coffee. I am planning another camping excursion, this one adults only, but I want to go now, while the sun is shining and I am yearning to connect with nature. I want to eat strawberry ice cream with chocolate sauce for breakfast. I want to turn my phone off, or maybe even chuck it into a lake. I also don’t want to do these things. It’s a conflicting emotion.
Today some guy tried to tell me that homosexuality is wrong because of thermodynamics. I will come right out and tell you that I don’t know thing one about thermodynamics, but I do know a little bit about human psychology, and I’m pretty certain the two things are unrelated. My point is that I didn’t even have the energy to go full tilt on this guy because I am so…tired.
I am tired of having to explain that the human race is not in danger because a small portion of its people are not “naturally” reproducing. If that’s your concern, list my child-free ass as a detriment to society as well.
I’m tired of turning on the news and seeing another shooting. I’m fairly middle of the road on guns, but “gun control” doesn’t mean they’re coming to take all the guns. Plenty of video games and mental illness in Canada, but their kids aren’t shooting up schools, are they? Plenty of people there have guns, too, but they have measures in place that we do not, and use background checks and training to discourage improper use.
I’m tired of old white male politicians. Even the ones I like, like Bernie Sanders, are all disappointing in some way and need to go home and feed their cats. I mean, enough already. Retire.
I’m tired of dancing with the poverty line. We live paycheck to paycheck. My husband just sacrificed tickets to a band he always wanted to see because we had to pay the utilities. We do things like this on a regular basis. Sacrifice is our middle name. Then I see some bozo on Facebook post some literal nonsense about poor people being a drain on society and I want to punch straight through my computer screen.
I’m tired of all of it, on top of my day to day life that tires me out enough to lull me to dreamland each night. I sit here and list my complaints because it’s all I can do not to scream them out loud into the face of whoever will listen. I’m just tired.
But, life soldiers on. It cares not for my tiredness, and expects me to fulfill my obligations. Go to Doctor? Check. Go visit mother? Check. Write blog? Check. Clean house? Ehh…I’ll get there. But I don’t want to. I want to get in that car and disappear for a day, to find that diner with the bad coffee or the lake in which I throw my phone. Today I will not indulge such fantasies; I will take my exhaustion at the state of the world and push it away, because it is of no use to me. None of this negativity has any bearing on me, really, so long as I focus on the positive. For instance, I had an iced coffee today.
It’s the little things.