Today is Tuesday. I don’t normally write my blog on Tuesday, but I didn’t update Monday so I’m feeling a little out of the loop. I won’t update until Thursday, and it may take me three days to actually write this as I don’t have a lot of material in me right now, but alas here we are. It is Tuesday, and I am depressed.
I would assume it’s my usual Christmas season depression, but it’s not. It’s something a little deeper, because I was in and out of the ER over the weekend and that has of course scared the bejesus out of me.
I haven’t missed a Christmas, but I’ve come close. One year, I left the ER and went straight to the festivities at my Grams house on Christmas Eve. It was not ideal. Another year I missed my parents annual Christmas party AND Christmas with the kiddos because I was admitted to the hospital. That broke my heart. I am determined to stay well for the next two weeks, even if it means I eat nothing but yogurt and instant breakfast from now until then.
I am also depressed because money is tight, as it always is at Christmastime, because I want so badly to give the kids everything they want and more, and then we overdo it every year, and then spend the week of Christmas living off leftover cookies and ham.
I am also depressed because we really wanted to get the girls bunk beds up this past weekend but I was laid up the whole time. I will be giving them the hardware for a Christmas present, and Mark will put them up on Sunday probably, but it would have been nice to have them up when they arrive on Friday.
And then there’s all the other things that need to be done, the day to day cleaning that has been untouched since last week, the preparations for kiddo Christmas this Saturday, the shoveling and the gift wrapping and the trip to the post office…all things I don’t want to do right now.
So, there’s a lot that’s got me down today. I’m going to try to get some things accomplished, as much as I can, and hopefully when I check in tomorrow, things will be going better.
Wednesday came and went on a wave of morphine. Up sick at five, I was at the ER by seven, and after that everything is a blur. My father came and drove me home and I went straight to sleep. When I woke, I was so groggy that I went to call him to tell him I was home from the hospital, completely forgetting he was the one that brought me there. Mark came home and we watched tv and I went to bed early. Nothing was accomplished.
Today I am not sick. Today is Thursday, and it is nearly 8am, and I am so happy because I feel good. I wish I had a car available to me so I cold knock out all the errands that need to be done, but other than that I’m ok. I’m not depressed. I wrapped the gifts. Hubs got a little surprise bonus, so that eased the money worries and the kids will get a very nice Christmas plus we won’t have to live on leftovers. I have my cards ready for the post office, I have my presents all done for my family (save the one I am making…but that is close to completion) and I have the whole day to work on cleaning the house, which is more cluttered than anything and shouldn’t even take too long. Best of all, what keeps the depression at bay, is that I feel good today. It gives me hope. I spend a lot of time being terrified of my weird stomach disorder. It’s not even a matter of gastroparesis now, it’s a whole other thing. But that’s an entry for when I have learned a little bit more about it. Look for it in January, when they put Botox in my stomach. I don’t know what that means yet, but they’re doing it, so I’ll be sure to find out.